


the last night (feeling like this)

by moonmother



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, business lad!leo, but don't trust it, gold-digger!ken, keo - Freeform, leo/ken - Freeform, sex on a window?, taekhwan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 10:36:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13233909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonmother/pseuds/moonmother
Summary: Jaehwan has a lot of things but nothing he needs –– besides Taekwoon.





	the last night (feeling like this)

**Author's Note:**

> (cross-posted from my lj!)

Jaehwan stares at floor-to-ceiling windows and only feels a small pinch of jealousy. “How much did you pay for those?”  
  
Taekwoon, of course, doesn’t answer and walks further inside the penthouse. He’s barefoot, dressed in his jeans and possibly the thinnest white t-shirt he owns, and Jaehwan knows that he planned it that way. The low-slung jeans are a little too calculated, and the t-shirt is something Jaehwan’s never seen, so far out of the man’s normal color palette.  
  
The windows offer a beautiful view of the city, and Jaehwan shucks his shoes off at the door to walk on the wood floors. He presses his fingers against the glass, in the way that Taekwoon can’t stand, and looks out. “I feel like I’m gonna fall out. That’s trippy.”  
  
Taekwoon puts his hand on the collar of Jaehwan’s jacket, and Jaehwan helps Taekwoon take it off himself but goes back to looking out the window. “I couldn’t live here.”  
  
“That’s why you don’t.”  
  
Jaehwan turns around and glues himself to Taekwoon’s back. “But what if I did?” Jaehwan reaches around and curls his fingers in Taekwoon’s belt loops (in the way that Taekwoon loves but would never tell Jaehwan).  
  
Taekwoon keeps walking forward, barely impeded by the Jaehwan-shaped leech. “Mm…what if.”  
  
Jaehwan grins into the back of Taekwoon’s neck.  
  
  
  
  
Later that night Jaehwan finds out that Taekwoon does indeed love it when Jaehwan pulls on his belt loops, mixed with the way Jaehwan’s bare back presses against his crisp sheets, thread-count higher than Jaehwan’s paycheck. Jaehwan likes to do the pulling, and he likes laying on sheets worth more than his life.  
  
It’s one of the perks in this whole setup.  
  
  
  
  
“What if he’s, like, a drug lord.” Hongbin’s friendly face is pressed with worry, and this has to be the twelfth time Hongbin’s offered the idea.  
  
Jaehwan shrugs. “Well, he’s the hottest drug lord I’ve ever screwed around with.” Hongbin bemoans the choice of words, but Jaehwan’s not sorry. It’s true. “I know what I’m doing.”  
  
“This isn’t a good idea. What if he just up and– and kills you one day.” Then in a higher-pitched voice, “What if I don’t have a friend anymore because of this? Hmm? I could end up friendless and–– and it’ll be your fault. All because you’re greedy.”  
  
Jaehwan rolls his eyes, but the words hit a little too close to home. Hongbin’s not supposed to know, and it’s only the way he says it that makes Jaehwan suspect he still doesn’t. “Yeah, _I’m_ the greedy one.”  
  
“I’m serious!”  
  
“Alright, I understand.” He tugs on Hongbin’s apron. “Love you too.”  
  
Throughout the rest of their shift, Hongbin keeps his eyes on Jaehwan, and this causes him to nearly fall over with a whole tray of drinks. He’s being ridiculous, but Jaehwan thinks he does understand. When Hongbin started dating that guy from his World History class, Jaehwan was suspicious of the whole thing. But only for a little bit. Wonsik’s a nice guy, if somewhat obnoxious.  
  
Jaehwan’s shift ends, and he sees a black shadow standing outside the restaurant window, a shadow that’s familiar and clearly waiting for him. Hongbin notices too and shoots Jaehwan a look of terror. Hongbin, avoiding the manager’s eye, runs to Jaehwan. He opens his mouth to say something, and Jaehwan says, “Yes, I’m sure he’s going to kill me in front of everyone at my work. I’m putting you in charge of my funeral.”  
  
Hongbin’s mouth opens and closes –– he looks so silly –– and Jaehwan waves at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
  
“How was work?” Taekwoon asks when Jaehwan comes outside.  
  
“Alright. Not the best, not the worst. How was your day?”  
  
Taekwoon squints his eyes in the harsh sun. “Quiet.” Dressed in his dark attire, Taekwoon looks serious. The type of serious that makes people afraid, that makes people think the worst. He has that look on his face that’s uninviting, closed off, and telling everyone to stay away.  
  
But that’s all skin-deep.  
  
Jaehwan hooks his arm through Taekwoon’s, linking at the elbows, and rests his head on the guy’s shoulder. They walk down the street, and Taekwoon takes them on a detour through the park. Jaehwan presses in closer to Taekwoon and rubs his head against the material of his jacket. Which, no doubt, costs more than Jaehwan’s whole closet.  
  
“Hongbin thinks you’re a drug lord.”  
  
“I thought he said that last week.”  
  
“No, last week it was pimp. And then he changed his mind and was saying an arms dealer.”  
  
“And what’d you tell him?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
Taekwoon sighs and sticks his hands in his pockets, causing Jaehwan to readjust his grip. “And what do you think I do?”  
  
Jaehwan laughs. “You know me. I don’t care.” A few seconds of silence passes, and Jaehwan says, “I think you’re a rich kid with too much money.”  
  
Jaehwan catches Taekwoon staring at a kid playing soccer in the grass; he’s not listening anymore. When the ball rolls their way, Taekwoon stops it with his foot and kicks back to the little girl. Jaehwan watches the corners of his lips curl upwards, and Jaehwan’s own grin is unstoppable.  
  
Taekwoon’s not scary. Where people see straight, angry lines in his face, Jaehwan finds happiness. In Taekwoon’s eyes, Jaehwan’s able to see the reality no one else can, and if he’s the only one to know that Taekwoon cried over the squirrel he backed over with his car then that’s alright.  
  
  
  
  
“Kiss me,” Jaehwan says, lying on Taekwoon’s bed, in the most compromising of positions he can think of, all splayed out for the taking. He has his arms outstretched to catch Taekwoon when he falls on him, but Taekwoon keeps standing there as if silently saying, “no.”  
  
“Why not?” Jaehwan props himself up on his elbows, and he knows he sounds whiney, but this is unfair. Taekwoon’s unfair. The only time Taekwoon denies him anything is when he’s mad or when he just feels like making Jaehwan suffer.  
  
Taekwoon suppresses his smile well –– Jaehwan can applaud him on that –– but keeps his eyes everywhere but Jaehwan. “Don’t feel like it.”  
  
Which is bullshit.  
  
Jaehwan crawls to the end of Taekwoon’s bed and grasps his shoulders. “You’re such a liar––”  
  
Taekwoon has something in his hands, something he pulled from behind his back, and Jaehwan’s heart stops beating for a second because this feels too close to something he doesn’t want to remember.  
  
“For you.”  
  
Jaehwan’s eyes catch on the wrapping paper, and, oh, he didn’t have to do this. Jaehwan looks up, and Taekwoon falters for a second because Jaehwan looks less excited than he normally is –– his permanent state is excited, borderline hysterical at times, and he’s nothing close to that now.  
  
“Thanks,” Jaehwan croaks out, taking the present. It’s a rectangular in shape, and opening it reveals a thick winter coat.  
  
“So you don’t freeze.”  
  
Because Jaehwan has a habit of turning into an icicle in cold weather. Taekwoon knows that. But Jaehwan feels his mouth dry out, and he has to force the smile on his face. “Thanks.”  
  
“You’re welcome––”  
  
“But,” Jaehwan interrupts, “a better present would be a kiss.” He closes his eyes and points at his puckered lips. Everything’s okay. This is alright. He only relaxes when Taekwoon’s lips are on his, and he pulls the older down onto the bed, drowning him in unspoken feelings.  
  
As of late, this has begun to feel a little less like screwing around and something more permanent. Something that makes Jaehwan stare at the coat and wish he could give it back.  
  
  
  
  
Jaehwan didn’t mean to cast the hook-line-and-sinker with Taekwoon. He’s strung along plenty of men in his time of playing around, but when he saw Taekwoon the thought “just one more” definitely crossed his mind. His pockets were feeling empty, his clothes no longer new. Hongbin would yell at him if he knew that this was happening again, even if he only thought this was about Jaehwan having a thing for rich bastards, but Jaehwan couldn’t just survive on tips alone. Between classes and work life was dull; he missed the pretty presents from lovers.  
  
Jaehwan didn’t mean to make things turn out so serious, though.  
  
“It’s nothing real,” Jaehwan said over the loud pound of music at the bar. “I just want your dick. And you want mine,” he pointed out. “We’ll be doing both of us a favor, really.”  
  
That was always Jaehwan’s opener. Make it casual, make it easy. Make himself accessible.  
  
And he was like everyone else who takes Taekwoon at face value. All he saw were hard eyes and a serious brow, still hands and a million unspoken thoughts asking to be eaten off his tongue. Jaehwan really thought he was a catch, one of those people who inspire art, and he expected him to be the possessive type. The type who invited people like Jaehwan inside and plan on keeping them. And rich –– that much was obvious. It’s the type Jaehwan hunted for, sought out.  
  
Jaehwan didn’t expect to want to be kept this time.  
  
It was barely a week into fooling around with the guy named Taekwoon when Jaehwan got a shock and realized he picked the wrong person to take advantage of. Taekwoon wears his heart on the sleeves of his expensive shirts, and Jaehwan realized he could easily poke a hole in Taekwoon’s exposed heart and watch the blood drip.  
  
They fucked a lot in the first month, and the discovery of Taekwoon’s sensitivity –- the fact that he’s not the asshole Jaehwan was looking for –– was pushed to the back burner, and Jaehwan let things go as normal.  
  
Which Jaehwan is seriously regretting now.  
  
The first time Taekwoon invited him over without losing his shirt was the first time Jaehwan felt his stomach turn. He fell asleep beside Taekwoon in the other’s bed, and Jaehwan could have gotten up, taken anything in the place and ran out the door. He could have ran hard and never gone back; Taekwoon has things that cost too much and would sell for more than enough. Jaehwan nearly did it –– nearly fired the bullet to bleed out Taekwoon’s heart and run far away, leaving a bloody mess for Taekwoon to wake up to.  
  
Those thoughts were killed when Jaehwan felt Taekwoon’s hand find his, even in sleep.  
  
And Jaehwan decided that he should ride this out for as long as possible.  
  
(That’s what he decided but not how he really felt.)  
  
  
  
  
“What do you want to do today?”  
  
The question is quiet but it still rouses Jaehwan from sleep. He got in late from work last night, and Taekwoon was understanding when Jaehwan collapsed almost without a word onto his bed. Jaehwan rarely sees his own bed these days, and he wonders why he’s still paying rent to a place he doesn’t even live in anymore.  
  
Not really.  
  
“I want…to sleep.” Jaehwan wraps his arms around Taekwoon’s neck, too fast for someone so tired to be able to do, but he does, and he pulls Taekwoon down beside him. He thinks Taekwoon’s a little too compliant because if he really didn’t want to Jaehwan would’ve gotten two strong hands pushing him away.  
  
They end up getting Chinese delivered to them, and they lay on Taekwoon’s living room floor to eat instead of eating at the table only five feet away. It’s times like these where Jaehwan feels the guilt start to close in on him, and he feels like it’s going to kill him.  
  
Taekwoon, in his house, is the most free. In his home, the smiles Taekwoon doesn’t share anywhere else are unleashed, and Jaehwan is the witness. Inside these four walls, Taekwoon is in control.  
  
And Jaehwan wants him to feel in control everywhere.  
  
Jaehwan takes a long slurp of his noodles and eyes Taekwoon as he struggles with the container of rice. Taekwoon laughs as he finally busts it open, clumps of rice spilling on his hand. “Wow.”  
  
Jaehwan’s become aware that someone else may have found Taekwoon long before he got to him. May have found his heart, and Taekwoon might, in fact, already be bleeding. It’s an observation made from the fact that Taekwoon isn’t just quiet, he’s tight-lipped in the shiest of ways, only letting Jaehwan indulge in the things that he lets him. It’s self-conscious the way he does it, and Jaehwan knows Taekwoon isn’t aware that Jaehwan’s aware.  
  
Taekwoon’s just a rich, not-so-little boy with too much money, who drips kindness and compassion –– who wears black clothes and gives his ice-cream to kids who can’t afford it.  
  
Taekwoon smiles at him, and Jaehwan knows he’s in up to his waist with no rescue rope in sight. He should’ve left three months ago when Taekwoon didn’t trust him _this_ much, when Taekwoon didn’t love him _this_ much, when Taekwoon didn’t buy him things without Jaehwan asking. Because it’s been three months since Jaehwan’s pretended to be in love.  
  
Jaehwan eats his noodles and doesn’t bring up why he can’t look Taekwoon in the eye.  
  
  
  
  
“Against the window,” Jaehwan pleads, breathing hard and like he’ll never do it again.  
  
Taekwoon’s response is to press him just there, Jaehwan’s cheek shoved against the glass, fingertips looking for purchase on the smooth surface as Taekwoon rocks into him. He bites his lower lip to not get too profane, to avoid breathing all over the glass. Because as much as Taekwoon probably thinks this is to indulge Jaehwan, it’s to glorify Taekwoon.  
  
It’s up against the windows, that Jaehwan has his hands all over, that Taekwoon has his hands all over him. Taekwoon deserves to feel in charge, like the whole world is his –– and it definitely feels that way with this wonderful view –– and Jaehwan hopes that Taekwoon gets what he’s trying to tell him.  
  
In all honesty, for someone to see them up here, they would need to look straight up into the air at a certain distance away, and Jaehwan figures the odds are low enough to go ahead with this. And he’s not exactly bothered by the idea that someone might look up and see him in only in his skin.  
  
But there is the fear that the glass might break, and that’s ridiculous but still. Jaehwan worries.  
  
His breathing becomes more hitched, and he makes a mess all over the window, and Taekwoon might hate him for that.  
  
Taekwoon kisses him anyway, and Jaehwan can’t think about anything. He can’t think about how big Taekwoon’s trust fund is, what kind of office job he no doubt has lined up for him, and not even how thankful he is that he’s met Taekwoon even if his intentions in the beginning were sketchy.  
  
“You deserve…the best,” Jaehwan sighs into Taekwoon’s ear, and he feels the other come undone with that.  
  
  
  
  
The guilt comes back with a vengeance.  
  
  
  
  
When Taekwoon starts paying for Jaehwan’s apartment, Jaehwan feels a weight lift from his shoulders –– and a heavier one take its place.  
  
“It’s fine,” Jaehwan says. “They just gave me a raise. I should be able to….”  
  
Taekwoon gives Jaehwan a look. “You deserve nice things too.”  
  
And that’s the problem.  
  
  
  
  
Jaehwan come clean to Hongbin after drinking a full bottle of alcohol. His words are slurred, and he knows he shouldn’t have told Hongbin from the look on his face.  
  
“You….”  
  
“Yes, Hongbin, I date guys for the size of their wallet.” He laughs, but it’s not real, and through the haze of alcohol he knows he’s had too much. He needs to go to bed. “Most people go by dick size. My reason is just as shallow but not any different. Does that make me worse or something?”  
  
Stunned, Hongbin sits on the other side of the table. Jaehwan’s back in his own apartment for the night, and Hongbin found him nursing a glass, the bottle already half gone. And from there, Jaehwan’s secrets unraveled.  
  
“I– I didn’t know. I knew you dated assholes, but I….”  
  
“Well, good. You weren’t supposed to know.” Jaehwan pillows his face on the table, and he feels a shudder run through his ribcage.  
  
“But––”  
  
“I’m a piece of shit. I know.”  
  
Hongbin looks at him for a moment, and then says after plucking the glass out of Jaehwan’s loose hands, “We’ll talk about this when you’re not drunk. You need to go to sleep.” And he leads Jaehwan to a bed that doesn’t have Taekwoon underneath the covers and crawls in beside him but not in the same way Taekwoon would.  
  
Jaehwan drifts off without dreams.  
  
In the morning, Hongbin brings Jaehwan a glass of water. “Now talk to me.”  
  
Jaehwan’s head feels on the verge of exploding, but he holds it together. “I fuck guys to get nice things, okay?” He didn’t really want to tell Hongbin. “That’s the way I operate. I…found that guys like to buy me things, and rich guys like to buy me really nice things. I’m not exactly poor, but I’m not well off either.”  
  
Hongbin stares at Jaehwan.  
  
“I realize it’s wrong. It’s a shitty thing to do –- to use someone. But Taekwoon was –– oh fuck.”  
  
“What?” Hongbin reaches out and touches Jaehwan’s hand, and that’s good. Hongbin at least doesn’t share the same opinions as Jaehwan about Jaehwan. That’s been his number one fear since this all started. Hongbin’s been closer than a co-worker to him, but he wasn’t sure if the truth would push him away.  
  
“Taekwoon was supposed to be the last.” Jaehwan covers his mouth. “But, Hongbin, he’s so…but he’s so nice. The guys I used to be with, I hated. Every single one of them. And he’s…. He’s so nice. Too nice. He makes me want to give him the best, and I know I’m not the best.” Jaehwan takes a breath. “I feel so guilty; I don’t want to be.”  
  
Hongbin sighs and combs his hair with his fingers. “I think you need to be honest with him. I think that’s the only way you’re going to fix this.”  
  
And the truth is always the best solution, right?  
  
  
  
  
Jaehwan only knocks once on Taekwoon’s door before it’s wrenched open, Taekwoon’s face inches from his.  
  
“Hello.”  
  
Taekwoon’s eyes are wide with his lips parted; he looks like he’s seen a ghost, and Jaehwan maybe knows why. Maybe it’s because Jaehwan hasn’t called Taekwoon in nine days and seen him in less than seven.  
  
“Where were you?”  
  
Jaehwan’s taken back by the question. “Around.”  
  
“Oh.” Taekwoon loses the intensity in his face, seeming abashed by Jaehwan’s answer. His hair falls into his eyes from its slicked back position and –– wait.  
  
“Going somewhere?” Jaehwan looks Taekwoon up and down and sees the suit, the fancy shoes, the fanciness of it all.  
  
“No. Uh, back from somewhere.”  
  
Jaehwan rubs his lips together and snaps himself out of his Taekwoon-focus. “Can I come inside?”  
  
Taekwoon opens the door wider, and Jaehwan walks inside with a buzz in his stomach. He needs to talk to Taekwoon. Lay it all out.  
  
“I was…at my dad’s work.”  
  
Jaehwan turns around to face Taekwoon. “Oh?”  
  
“Yeah. He, uh –– well, actually –– I’m taking over the business.” Taekwoon gestures to himself. “I don’t have to wait around here all day.”  
  
It did seem strange to Jaehwan –– Taekwoon sitting around all day with his money and no job in sight –– but he mentioned something about his parents a few times. Always in a tight voice and pursed lips. Something’s weird there.  
  
“Are you okay?” Taekwoon looks up at Jaehwan and nods his head. He doesn’t seem okay; he seems flustered and worried, and his face is as smooth as glass, but Jaehwan can see it. “Are you sure?”  
  
Taekwoon shrugs this time. “I do what I have to do.”  
  
There’s a lot of empty holes in that statement. Nothing to tell Jaehwan, “yes, I love this job; I’m so happy to have it; my relationship with my parents is fine.” Jaehwan frowns. This penthouse, lavish and gorgeous as it is, doesn’t seem Taekwoon’s style at all. He has an idea, but it’s far-fetched.  
  
“What made you choose this place?” Jaehwan sits on Taekwoon’s couch, the leather creasing under his weight. Everything’s cut modern, harsh and accusing.  
  
Taekwoon flicks his eyes to the ceiling. “I don’t know. It seemed…right.” He won’t look at Jaehwan, and it’s possible Jaehwan’s not the only one with something to say.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
Taekwoon nods, a palm coming up to smooth his hair back into place. Jaehwan can see the fingers shake. Jaehwan prods Taekwoon into the bedroom and wraps him in blankets, and Jaehwan doesn’t tell him why he’s not good enough.  
  
It’s the next morning when the opportunity arises again. The day is Saturday; Jaehwan doesn’t have to be at work until four, and Taekwoon’s new job doesn’t require him on Saturdays. Photo albums are left on the dining room table. Something Jaehwan didn’t notice yesterday but does now because in the quiet of the morning the sun comes through the windows and haloes the albums like it’s presenting him an invitation.  
  
Jaehwan, with nothing better to do, goes through them. This is probably what Taekwoon was doing yesterday before Jaehwan came over. He’s never seen the albums before, and the rich man’s usually quick to clean up.  
  
It’s a lot of pictures of Taekwoon as a child –– the baby cheeks, goodness –– and Jaehwan sees a lot of people that he assumes to be Taekwoon’s family. He seems to be the youngest of all girls, and Jaehwan wonders if that was pressure he saw on Taekwoon’s face. The only son of a wealthy family, pressured to be the next generation, to carry the legacy.  
  
And Taekwoon’s dating preferences….  
  
“Nosey.”  
  
Jaehwan whirls around and sees Taekwoon in his all his morning glory. Shirtless and wearing flannel pants. “I didn’t hear you wake up,” Jaehwan laughs, closing the album, but it’s too late. Taekwoon knows he’s been snooping.  
  
“I didn’t hear you wake up.”  
  
On a normal day, Jaehwan would ask for a morning kiss, but Hongbin’s words weigh on his mind, and he should come clean. “Hey, I––”  
  
Taekwoon leans over the couch and plucks the album from between Jaehwan’s thighs. “I should burn this.”  
  
Jaehwan releases a sigh; he’s going to have to say something at some point. “You don’t mean that.”  
  
“It’s blackmail.” Taekwoon walks away with it, seemingly bent on walking to the kitchen where Jaehwan knows Taekwoon keeps the matches. Or that’s what Jaehwan imagines he’s doing. Jaehwan vaults over the couch and tries to reach around Taekwoon to grab the album because taking drastic measures isn’t below Taekwoon.  
  
“You’ll regret this!”  
  
Taekwoon holds it out of Jaehwan’s reach, and the two grapple for it. Soon Jaehwan’s laughing and Taekwoon is too, but the moment’s ruined the second the album falls out of Taekwoon’s hands and scatters loose pictures all over the ground. Jaehwan’s laughter dies when he sees the pictures, and Taekwoon’s scooping them up faster than he can avoid social situations.  
  
Jaehwan blinks when he sees the sudden tension in Taekwoon’s shoulders. “So clumsy,” Jaehwan jokes, poking him in the back. “Butter fingers.” Jaehwan smiles but doesn’t feel like it.  
  
The pictures are recent, taken in the past year, and are of Taekwoon and an unfamiliar face. A boy with tan skin and bright eyes. And it wasn’t one photo but many. Jaehwan’s sure he saw one of them sharing a kiss, and….  
  
Jaehwan thinks he knows who poked the whole in Taekwoon’s heart.  
  
  
  
  
“Have you told him yet?”  
  
Jaehwan ignores Hongbin and focuses on his tables. Hongbin reminding him every ten-point-two seconds isn’t going to help anything, and he has orders to take.  
  
“You have to tell him sooner or later.”  
  
Jaehwan prefers later.  
  
  
  
  
Their casual relationship had turned into something closer to a fly trap the more time Jaehwan spent with Taekwoon. Taekwoon never disrespects Jaehwan; he never gives him an outright compliment either. Jaehwan finds that as a nice change of pace compared to the other guys who tell him how pretty he’d look sullied and wrecked in bed, and Jaehwan’s grown calloused to those sorts of things. Taekwoon’s silence might be suffocating to some, but Jaehwan finds it liberating.  
  
“You look nice,” Taekwoon will say, voice small and looking straight at Jaehwan. Nothing about how nice Jaehwan will look underneath him or anything of that, and that’s exactly why Jaehwan’s heart started doing weird things.  
  
And it was against his better judgement –– totally against the voice in his head saying _get out get out_ –– that Jaehwan stayed. As Jaehwan tried to reel him in, Taekwoon didn’t resist, and that made it too easy for Jaehwan to do his job.  
  
“My iPod’s broken. I was going to buy a new one, but I spent all my money on classes. This semester’s brutal.”  
  
And Taekwoon’s big heart made it too easy for him to fall.  
  
Jaehwan fell equally as hard, more so probably, because face-planting on the sidewalk is reminiscent of being around Taekwoon. He’s constantly hit by how precious the older guy is –– always extending a kind hand to those in need, totally not affected by the weight of his wallet. And, slowly, Jaehwan became unaffected as well.  
  
  
  
  
Jaehwan’s holed up in his apartment with a bag of popcorn and the TV light when his phone rings from under a pillow. He has an aching feeling of who it is, and he drags it out to have his fears confirmed.  
  
Taekwoon.  
  
Jaehwan considers not answering. He hasn’t seen Taekwoon in a few days –– ignored the text he got awhile ago. Taekwoon gives him space when he needs it, but Jaehwan’s search of space is more about how _he’s so screwed_ rather than wanting time alone. The way Taekwoon leaves him alone when they’re apart is scary, and Jaehwan only thinks so because it’s like Taekwoon disappears and not because Jaehwan’s actually frightened. He’s not much better, not answering calls or texts that Taekwoon does send, but it’s different. Because every single time Jaehwan comes back Taekwoon’s fingers dig into the doorframe, and his eyes bear into Jaehwan, asking why. Jaehwan can almost see the phantom droplets of blood around his feet.  
  
Against his better judgement, Jaehwan answers it.  
  
“I have a can of tuna but nothing else.”  
  
Jaehwan’s mouth opens and closes before getting something out. “Uh, what?”  
  
“For a cat. A cat, Jaehwan. Food.”  
  
Taekwoon isn’t making sense, but Jaehwan might be able to put two and two together. “Did you find a cat? Is that what this is about?”  
  
“Can you come over?” And Jaehwan’s about to say no, he’s doing things (like doing nothing with the TV on), but then Taekwoon adds, “Please?”  
  
Jaehwan’s pulling on his coat before he can hang up the phone.  
  
The cat turns out to be a kitten, so tiny it can fit in the palm of Jaehwan’s hand, and when Jaehwan discovers Taekwoon’s door unlocked, he finds Taekwoon lying on the floor with the fluffy, little thing on his chest. Jaehwan tries to control himself.  
  
“And where’d you find it?” That’s the first question Jaehwan asks Taekwoon even though they haven’t seen each other in days. Taekwoon’s head lifts up, and he says hello with his eyes, filling in what Jaehwan neglected to say.  
  
“Out front.”  
  
“Does this building even allow pets?”  
  
Taekwoon shrugs, and Jaehwan shuts the door. Taekwoon doesn’t seem to care what the building says; he has a kitten, and Jaehwan’s pretty sure the kitten isn’t leaving. “So, what’s the name?”  
  
Taekwoon shrugs again. “What’s a good name?”  
  
Realizing he’s being asked for an opinion, Jaehwan waves his hands. “No, I’m having no part of this.”  
  
Taekwoon scoops up the kitten and is over to Jaehwan in four long strides. He practically throws the kitten into Jaehwan’s arms and the second his hands curl around the small body, the baby-soft gray fur, Jaehwan knows he was a part even before the kitten found Taekwoon (or Taekwoon found the kitten –– that’s still unclear). “Bobo.”  
  
Taekwoon takes the kitten back. “Never mind.”  
  
“Wait, wait.” Jaehwan lays a hand on Taekwoon’s shoulder and peers over at the kitten. “Is it a boy or girl?”  
  
“Undetermined.”  
  
“Don’t you think we should find out?” Jaehwan realizes the ‘we’ in the sentence too late. He internally punches himself.  
  
Taekwoon holds the kitten out, a mute offer for Jaehwan to do the honors. Jaehwan takes the ball of fluff, flipping it into its back in his arms. “I guess I just…?” Jaehwan holds up a hand and looks back down, slightly south of the kitten’s belly. Taekwoon nods. Jaehwan parts fur and more fur and more fur, but he can’t see crap.  
  
“I think it’s too young. And fluffy.”  
  
“What do we call it then?”  
  
“Fluffy.”  
  
“Something real.”  
  
“Kimchi.”  
  
“No.”  
  
The debate over the kitten’s name lasts for awhile, and it’s close to eleven the next time Jaehwan looks at the clock. Taekwoon has the kitten fast asleep on his lap and looks like nothing short of an earthquake will move him from the spot. Jaehwan should be going.  
  
“Are you sleeping here?”  
  
The question makes Jaehwan weak all over, more so today than usual, and what could it hurt? It could hurt a lot. But Jaehwan doesn’t go back home.  
  
  
  
  
Taekwoon, now going to work eight to four, is not as present in Jaehwan’s life as he had been. Of course, Taekwoon’s still around, but he’s not there to walk Jaehwan home from his job or spend meaningless hours doing nothing. He’s more tired at the end of a day, understandably, and Jaehwan’s waking him up more often rather than it being Taekwoon waking him up.  
  
“I’m picking you up from work tonight.”  
  
Jaehwan blinks. “Oh, okay.”  
  
Taekwoon laughs quietly at the end of the line. “We’ll go get something to eat.”  
  
“Sounds like you have the night planned out. Uh-oh. What’d I do? What did I do to deserve a night out, and what about Kimchi?”  
  
“Be ready by the end of your shift.”  
  
Jaehwan hangs up, not aware of the smile on his face that only falls when he finds Hongbin’s eyes on him. Jaehwan ignores him.  
  
The shift feels too long now that he’s waiting for Taekwoon, but Jaehwan breezes through the night without much incident. He works in a restaurant that has a drinking bar; at nights it can get rowdy, and Jaehwan only has to console one drunken guest about his sports team not winning. The shift goes by too peacefully, and Jaehwan should have been clued in on what was coming.  
  
Jaehwan clocks out on time, and Taekwoon pushes through the restaurant doors, the slight smile on his face. He might as well be beaming ear-to-ear because that’s what Jaehwan sees.  
  
“Hey.” Jaehwan takes Taekwoon’s hands in his. “Where are we going?”  
  
Taekwoon doesn’t answer. “Where’s your coat?”  
  
“I guess I do need that.” Jaehwan sighs because he just wants to be out of here, be gone and leave and have a nice night with his boyfriend. He likes calling Taekwoon his boyfriend even if they’re supposed to be less than that, Jaehwan feeling like so much more.  
  
Jaehwan grabs his coat from the break room, and he’s too preoccupied with leaving to notice the hand that snakes out to grab his arm.  
  
“Fuck you,” the voice hisses. Jaehwan smells alcohol and instinctively wrinkles his nose. “You fucking bastard. I’ve been looking everywhere.”  
  
And that can’t be good. Jaehwan looks at the guy who has him, and –– oh god. Bitter ex-boyfriend to ruin the night. To be fair, Jaehwan has a lot of ex-boyfriends so if he can’t exactly remember the name of this particular one, can he be blamed?  
  
“I don’t know you,” Jaehwan instantly says. “Get off me.”  
  
The guy laughs, and the sound is familiar in his ears. The name’s right on his tongue…. “You’re fucking something, you know that? Fooling around with everyone and thinking you can get away with it? Amazing.” This guy’s more than a little wasted, and Jaehwan wonders if he’d remember getting punched in the face.  
  
“Problem?” The voice over his shoulder is cold and without looking Jaehwan knows who it is.  
  
“No,” Jaehwan answers, but the guy still has his fingers digging into Jaehwan’s bicep.  
  
“Slut,” the guy chokes out, the alcohol wafting back into Jaehwan’s face. “That’s what you are. You fuck around, drain a guy’s bank account and leave him, right? That’s what you do, right?”  
  
Jaehwan’s ears are hot, and he can see Hongbin watching frozen by the door. Hongbin, connecting eyes with Jaehwan, snaps out of his immobility and starts to march over. But it’s too late.  
  
“Get off,” Jaehwan repeats. “I’ll get them to throw you out.”  
  
The guy –– his name, what’s his name? –– leans around Jaehwan and looks at Taekwoon. “What’d he tell you? That you could be fuck buddies and everything’d be okay? He told me the same thing.”  
  
Hongbin’s beside them and asking the guy to leave, but that’s not the man’s intention. He still has his eyes on Taekwoon even if he’s removed his fingers from Jaehwan. “He’s a fucking gold-digger,” he guffaws. “Probably got you wrapped around his finger. Just like everyone else.”  
  
“No,” Jaehwan denies. His stomach twists; his fists curl together.  
  
There’s a shove to Jaehwan’s chest, and Hongbin’s shouting for help. “Don’t fucking lie to me! Did you or did you not use me? Huh?” Taekwoon’s larger frame blocks Jaehwan from the guy, and he’s putting himself up as barrier so–– Jaehwan chokes on a breath.  
  
He feels like he’s letting something slip between his fingers, something Jaehwan’s been trying to protect for months, and he loses it. It vanishes in the blink of an eye. Jaehwan reaches around Taekwoon, and his hands fist in the guy’s shirt, and he pulls him as close as he can with Taekwoon between them. “Leave me the hell alone.”  
  
The guy laughs. “That’s right. You used me like you used every other guy. I did everything for you, and you kept taking.”  
  
Hands pull them apart, and Taekwoon takes Jaehwan away. Staff are there now to handle it, but Jaehwan wants to shove his fist between a pair of eyes and a still flapping mouth. They’re held up by questions, but after an empty “yes, I’m alright” Jaehwan’s allowed to go. He’s conscious of the fact that Taekwoon’s fingers are tight on him, and he’s vaguely aware that they hurt. Cold air hits Jaehwan in the face as they step outside.  
  
“Who was that?” The silence that fell between them is broken by Taekwoon, and that would be odd on a normal day, under normal circumstances, but that’s not the case.  
  
“Ex.” Jaehwan stuffs his hands in his coat pockets, heart beating wildly in his ribcage.  
  
Taekwoon walks beside him, and Jaehwan can almost feel the chill rolling off him. Jaehwan shivers. “Has he done that before?”  
  
“Done what?”  
  
“Showed up at work?”  
  
Jaehwan scoffs. “I don’t even remember his name; it’s been that long since I’ve seen him.” And that’s not exactly why Jaehwan doesn’t remember his name. He didn’t care before, and he doesn’t care now, but he does care about what Taekwoon thinks about that. What Taekwoon thinks about him. His heart won’t calm down.  
  
Silence lapses between them again. Jaehwan and Taekwoon walk the streets, and Jaehwan knows what’s coming. He braces for impact –– it’s bound to come up. The next time Taekwoon opens his mouth Jaehwan cringes, but what he says is something Jaehwan didn’t expect. “I don’t believe him.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Whatever he said. I don’t believe it.”  
  
But Taekwoon should. It would make everything easier if he just would. If Taekwoon believed that Jaehwan was all the things that he heard then he could hate Jaehwan, and it’d be so simple.  
  
Jaehwan wasn’t totally wrong about Taekwoon. Turns out, he is the possessive type; his touches throughout the night linger a bit longer, and the tension bunging up his nerves and muscles and eyebrows never quite goes away. Back at his place, Taekwoon capitalizes on it.  
  
“Please, please,” he has Jaehwan begging. Sweat rolls in-between his shoulder blades, and, somehow, Jaehwan always finds himself like this –– burning under Taekwoon’s fingertips.  
  
Taekwoon mutters something that doesn’t even make sense, and Jaehwan knows he’s unhinged. They both are as they crash around, slamming into things and making the air much too hot. “Don’t leave me,” he thinks he hears Taekwoon say.  
  
The words stab Jaehwan in the heart, and, when they’re lying tangled together on the bed, a kitten lying behind Jaehwan’s knees, it’s then that Jaehwan lets a tear slip. He’s not sorry for himself but sorry for Taekwoon. The man –– the son, the business man, the boy –– lies in his arms with sleep on his eyes, and Jaehwan hopes his shaking doesn’t disturb whatever dreams he may be having.  
  
  
  
  
Jaehwan wears sneakers and a sweat jacket, wears his hair dark and short, wears his prescription glasses. He dresses in the clothes that he bought for himself, at some time, and he boxes away the nice dress shirts, the watches, the heartbreaker shoes. He stuffs them all at the bottom of his closet and dares to not look at them.  
  
He unplugs the TV and the Blu-Ray player, shuts the shelf of movies, and turns off his stereo.  
  
Jaehwan shuts off everything his exes gave him, hides away all the things that have memories dusted onto them. He heaves a sigh as he sits on his couch, curling his knees into his chest. He doesn’t need any of these things; he never has.  
  
_“Don’t leave me.”_  
  
But he does need just one person.  
  
Hongbin was right –– he is greedy. To think that he ever needed any this crap, was willing to hurt people to get what he wanted, outlines exactly what Jaehwan figured out months ago. Between the last ex and Taekwoon, Jaehwan found himself exactly where he is now –– on his couch looking at all the things in his apartment and wishing he had none of them.  
  
He made a resolution to change, that he can’t do this anymore, and that lasted for two months. And then he searched around for someone to start spoiling him again. Taekwoon doesn’t spoil, but he’s not helping Jaehwan change either.  
  
And he wants to change.  
  
Jaehwan gets off his couch and marches out the door without his coat. Less than a half hour passes before Jaehwan’s outside Taekwoon’s door again –– he’s always here. It’s nighttime, Taekwoon worked today, but Jaehwan’s determined. If he backs out now he’ll never forgive himself, and Taekwoon needs to have so much better.  
  
The door opens on the second knock, and Taekwoon’s not surprised to see him –– Jaehwan making this a habit over the course of five months makes it hard to surprise the other with his presence. But it’s his serious expression that does take Taekwoon off his guard. Jaehwan can tell by the slight widening of his eyes, his eyebrows creasing.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Taekwoon’s hair is disheveled –– was he lying down?  
  
Jaehwan pushes inside, and Taekwoon lets him. It’s similar to how Jaehwan pushed his way into Taekwoon’s life. “I––” And now that he’s here, his knees shake. “What if you were wrong? About me.”  
  
Taekwoon shuts the door and doesn’t look at Jaehwan.  
  
“What if everything you heard was right?” Jaehwan’s fingers are shaking beside him so he makes them into fists, and when that’s not enough, he stuffs them in his pants pockets. “Taekwoon, I––”  
  
Taekwoon walks past Jaehwan and to the couch. He starts to fold the rumpled blankets and close his laptop, left open and running. Kimchi’s curled up in the corner of the couch, head tucked into feet. Taekwoon must have been laying there. “Are you hungry?”  
  
“No. No, I… Taekwoon, I’m trying to tell you something.”  
  
“I have leftovers.” Taekwoon walks into the kitchen, but he won’t look Jaehwan in the eye. Jaehwan wishes he would.  
  
“No, wait. Just wait and listen to me. Taekwoon.” Jaehwan walks to the kitchen. “I’m not….”  
  
Taekwoon opens his fridge and sticks his head inside.  
  
And Jaehwan feels annoyance toward Taekwoon’s dismissive behavior. “I’m trying to talk to you.”  
  
Taekwoon doesn’t answer.  
  
“I’m trying to tell you something, Taekwoon, and it’d make me feel better if I knew you were listening. It’s serious.”  
  
Hearing the underlying irritation (fear) in Jaehwan’s voice, Taekwoon looks at him for the first time since Jaehwan walked through the door. His eyes are flat and hard, and he seems upset already even though Jaehwan hasn’t told him a thing. But Jaehwan swallows it all down so he can say––  
  
“Do you know why I live here?”  
  
Jaehwan shuts his open mouth. Taekwoon’s interrupted him, and that’s something that doesn’t usually happen. “N-– No. But, Taekwoon––”  
  
“My parents pay for this place.” His voice is quiet, whisper-soft and floating over the stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. “I live here, and they live across the city in a nice house.”  
  
Jaehwan’s curiosity wins over the sick anticipation. “I don’t think I understand.”  
  
“My family,” Taekwoon says, hands and lips loose, “pays for me to live here. They pay for me to stay away from them.”  
  
And, oh.  
  
_Oh._  
  
Taekwoon’s shoulders hunch, and he looks ready to collapse. It’s not the first time Jaehwan notices the bags underneath his eyes, but now they look so pronounced and heavy, and Jaehwan wants nothing more than to catch Taekwoon in his arms.  
  
“And why is it that they don’t like you?” It would take two steps for Jaehwan to be next to him; it would take only the raise of his arms and a squeeze to capture Taekwoon.  
  
Taekwoon laughs but it isn’t the amused sort. It’s bitter and short. “You have to wonder?” Taekwoon holds out his hands to say, _look at me_. But Jaehwan sees nothing wrong. At the silence, Taekwoon says, “They don’t exactly agree with who I like.”  
  
“You…you’re taking over from you’re dad. You….”  
  
“Because I _have_ to. It’d be wrong if I didn’t; it’d draw more attention than it’s worth. I’m his son; I’m the only one who can inherit the business.” Taekwoon’s eyes droop, and he looks so sad. “They made it clear how they feel about that.”  
  
Jaehwan gets the image of Taekwoon sitting here, all day every day, waiting for Jaehwan to come around. He remembers his days spent alone, and how Taekwoon would always look so scared when Jaehwan would decide to show up, when he decided he can’t take the separation any longer. Like Taekwoon never expected him to return.  
  
He wonders if that’s why Taekwoon’s heart bleeds, because someone never came back or because Taekwoon isn’t allowed to.  
  
“I’m so lonely, Jaehwan.” The admission isn’t audible, just the moving of lips and the parting of air.  
  
That’s when Jaehwan understands that Taekwoon has known all along. Has suspected that Jaehwan must be with him for some superficial reason, and this is Taekwoon asking him to stay despite of it. That Jaehwan might be robbing him blind, but Taekwoon doesn’t care –– that he’s found some part of Jaehwan to be worth the days of solitude. Whatever the case, Jaehwan’s sure that has been holding Taekwoon’s heart in his hands all along. Taekwoon’s fragile heart in Jaehwan’s reckless hands.  
  
“I’m not what you need,” Jaehwan tries to say, but the words sound stupid said out loud.  
  
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Taekwoon admits, his eyebrows drawn together in an angry line. His hair still stands up in the back, and Jaehwan wants to smooth it down and kiss the bridge of his nose. He wants to tell him it’ll be okay. “I didn’t mean…to get attached.”  
  
Jaehwan shakes his head, and the next thing he knows he has his arms around Taekwoon, breathing in the scent of fax machines and Taekwoon’s laundry detergent, something soft and flowery. The words fall from Jaehwan’s mouth before he can filter them. “You weren’t like that for me. In the beginning, yeah. But, no, now –– Taekwoon, I’m sorry. I like you so much; you’re so good.” They come out in a jumbled mess, but the meaning is still intact, Jaehwan hopes. He starts to splutter more things out, but he’s cut off.  
  
Taekwoon’s hands grasp at Jaehwan’s back, bunching in the thin sweat-jacket. “Please, don’t leave.”  
  
Jaehwan’s face is buried in Taekwoon, and he can’t imagine being anywhere else. He doesn’t want to be. “I’m not.”  
  
  
  
  
Taekwoon sits on Jaehwan’s couch with a smoothie in hand. His placid expression juxtaposes Jaehwan’s frenzied state as he rushes around the apartment. “Oh, frick, where’d I put it….” Jaehwan feels like he’s losing his mind, and it’s not because Taekwoon’s sitting on his couch watching him lose his mind.  
  
“Are you sure?” Taekwoon asks for the umpteenth time, and Jaehwan rolls his eyes.  
  
“Completely. Now shut up.” Jaehwan rushes back to his bedroom and brings out a white trash bag, trying to not trip over Kimchi as she (yes, they found out) dances around Jaehwan’s feet. He’s in the process of getting rid of all the presents and gifts, and he’s just now realizing how much he’s hoarded in general. Taekwoon seems to think this behavior is extreme. “I just want to show you how serious I am about this,” Jaehwan reminds Taekwoon again, just like he’ll have to remind him in two, five, eight minutes.  
  
Taekwoon sips his smoothie and acts like he has nothing better to do with his time than watch Jaehwan tear his apartment apart with a kitten running circles around his feet. Which he really doesn’t.  
  
“Hongbin finally’s ready to meet you,” Jaehwan calls over his shoulder.  
  
“Oh good.”  
  
After giving Kimchi a ball of tape to play with, Jaehwan reaches over the back of his couch to latch onto the back of Taekwoon’s neck. “I like you a lot.” He’s spilled his guts and told Taekwoon every gross detail about himself, that he’s trying to change, and that Taekwoon needs to help him. That’s why there’s a pile of bills on the table all addressed to Jaehwan, to be paid for by Jaehwan.  
  
Taekwoon laughs into his smoothie. “I hope so.” Jaehwan likes the sound of amusement that comes from the back of the other’s throat. He likes the way he can hear Taekwoon’s heartbeat if he focuses just enough, and he likes the way that Taekwoon’s never pretended to love him. It’s all there for Jaehwan to see.  
  
Taekwoon’s hand pounds the cushion beside him, and Jaehwan travels around the couch to sit beside Taekwoon, except Taekwoon has other plans. He pulls Jaehwan into his lap despite the fact that Jaehwan’s nearly the same size he is, but they curl up together just fine.  
  
“I really do like you,” Jaehwan says into the space between Taekwoon’s collarbone and neck. “We should start over. I’ll throw away all this crap and––”  
  
“We can’t start over.” And Jaehwan knows it’s true. There’s too much between them to erase and smooth over. “I don’t really…”  
  
“Want to,” Jaehwan finishes for him. He doesn’t either. He squeezes Taekwoon tighter, and that’s when he feels his back hit the couch cushions, and he’s looking up at Taekwoon’s face hovering over him. “I’ll…I’ll use the money to pay you back. You can have it all. I want––”  
  
Taekwoon’s lips over his own shut Jaehwan right up. “You.”  
  
And that’s exactly what he wants.

**Author's Note:**

> \- thank you for reading!!☄


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